When 17-year-old transgender teen Leelah Alcorn died by suicide in 2014, it made national headlines(opens in a new tab) -- and hit some parents painfully and particularly hard.
Roz Keith was one of those parents. Keith's teenage son had just come out to her as trans a year earlier. She was in the middle of her own parenting journey, and it was "devastating and heartbreaking," Keith told Mashable, to think that Alcorn may have died by suicide "in part because she didn't have parent support." Alcorn's parents wouldn't refer to Leelah as a girl(opens in a new tab). They had sent her to conversion therapy(opens in a new tab) to help correct her gender identity.
At the time, Keith was participating in a Facebook group for parents of trans youth. She and another mother started thinking about ways Leelah's parents and even they, as strangers, could have done more to help youth like Leelah.
That's how Keith came up with Ally Moms(opens in a new tab), led specifically by mothers of trans youth. The network provides a list of personal phone numbers of allied moms. Anyone can call an Ally Mom for support at any time.
"Transgender youth need unconditional parent love," Keith told Mashable. "Any trans youth or parent for that matter should be able to call and [...] hear love at the other end of the line."
Keith is now executive director of Stand with Trans(opens in a new tab), a Michigan-based nonprofit that operates Ally Moms. Four years after Keith founded the network, the need for caring, informed adults like her is just as acute as it was when she first started.
Trans youth remain one of the most vulnerable populations in America
For all the incalculable damage Trump has done to the trans community in America, the past two years have also been characterized by a spike in visible role models for trans youth. The country has moved past its Caitlyn Jenner fascination and made room in their hearts for far more skillful activists like Jazz Jennings, Raquel Willis, and Laverne Cox.
Still, the statistics for trans youth remain steadily bleak: an October 2018 study(opens in a new tab) by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that more than half of all trans male teens surveyed report having attempted suicide, compared to 29.9 percent of transgender female teens and 41.8 percent of all non-binary youth. Trans and non-binary youth are significantly more likely(opens in a new tab) to develop a depressive disorder.
Protective factors do exist(opens in a new tab): Most notably, positive relationships with peers, parents, and adults in the community. While support from parents is frequently the most persuasive, caring adults from outside the home can also help build measurably positive outcomes(opens in a new tab).
That's exactly where Keith hopes Ally Moms can be the most impactful. Helplines like the Trevor Project (opens in a new tab)and Trans Lifeline(opens in a new tab) have built large, national profiles. Keith hopes Ally Moms can provide support from a very specific source: parents, who are often the people youth need love from the most.
Even if they're not their own.
A loving mom in nearly every state
Ally Moms isn't a traditional helpline. They don't have a centralized calling system. Instead, they provide a list of moms(opens in a new tab), all of whom have trans children, from nearly every state. They give you the first name and home state of every volunteer parent and include their personal phone numbers.
Volunteer parents are trained and screened. The goal is to keep it caring, professional, and personalized. "They may want to call someone in their state who knows local resources," Keith says.
They also field dozens of international calls.
Ally Moms serves a highly specific community: trans youth, parents, and siblings of trans youth, as well as "trans adults who are feeling like they could use a mama,"Janna Barkin, who helps to coordinate volunteers for Ally Moms, told Mashable.
Barkin has a transgender son and recently published a book about parenting a trans child(opens in a new tab). For Barkin, the needs of trans kids are multiple and distinct from those of youth who identify strictly as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. There are legal issues (like birth certificate changes) and medical ones (including surgeries and hormone therapy) that cis queer kids don't have to face.
"I don't have experience having a gay child. I have a trans child. Gender and sexuality are different ... We actually do have a specific understanding that parents of LGB kids don't have -- they can understand only to a certain point as well."
Ally moms will sometimes stay in contact with a young person throughout their coming-out process: from the moment they reach out to Ally Moms with their anxieties, to the second they tell their parents, and for months afterward.
Michelle Levy, another Ally Mom, points to an additional hidden benefit of a parent-led helpline -- it's a resource for cis parents whose children are transitioning and who feel, well, lost:
"There are not many spaces for cis parents who grew up with a binary viewpoint of gender," Levy says. "Some of the things they go through would be hurtful or harmful to their [transitioning] kids if they heard it. [Maybe it's a feeling like] 'I feel like my daughter died' or 'I'm going to miss my sweet daughter's voice.' [...] They have to work through these [issues] on their own and not add to the burden of their children who are already going through enough."
Keith also talked about handling your child's transition: "You can't make them feel that your feelings are more important that theirs."
Sometimes, Levy will encounter parents with even more profound fears, ones which -- if not properly addressed -- could result in the abandonment of their children:
"Religion is one area. [I'll hear] 'I love my child, but my whole belief system -- everything I base my life on -- tells me this is wrong.' These people have a very difficult time with acceptance. And it can result with people getting kicked out of their homes."
Levy believes Ally Moms can be the bridge between a parent's rejection and acceptance. The risks of ignoring or shaming those parents can't be minimized:
"Would you rather have a dead daughter or a live son? That's not theoretical. If you reject your children they do not do well," Levy says.
"We feel like we're really doing life-saving work."
From Ally Moms to Ally Parents
For all the work Ally Moms performs, it's a relatively small operation, fielding far fewer calls than well-established hotlines like Trans Lifeline. Barkin is hopeful the organization will expand. Ally Moms got a boost during the holidays after their numbers were shared on social media. Trans youth and parents reached out alike, and so too did another critical population -- dads who want to volunteer.
Ally Moms started off as a mom-driven operation because mothers initially expressed more interest. That's been changing, Barkin reports, with more and more dads who want to be involved. The goal for Ally Moms is to be "inclusive of all genders," she says, including parents who don't identify as either male or female. The organization is planning a name change in the future in response.
There are sure to be other changes in the group's future, too, but it's also possible Ally Moms will remain a modestly sized operation. And maybe that's okay. Allies will always navigate a contested space in social movements. Ideally, they serve as aids and advocates for those primarily affected by oppression (in this case, trans youth). The goal is to give support -- not dominate a movement that ultimately doesn't belong to them.
For now, Ally Moms is the only parent-led phone network serving the community.
"Nobody else is doing this," Keith says of Ally Moms. "If we can help one child every day -- 10 children a day -- whatever it is, whoever we can support. We're out there for anyone who needs it."
