Chris Hemsworth's role in 'The Cabin in the Woods' is by far his sexiest

Welcome to Chris-mas in July, a week-long celebration of our four favorite Hollywood Chrises. We'll be analyzing old movies, digging deep into past roles, and exploring everything there is to know about Evans, Hemsworth, Pine and Pratt. We hope this totally made up holiday makes you smile. 

Deep breath, Marvel fans. Hear me out.

Sure, Thor is a bonafide grade-A, beef cake. Even if eye candy staples KJ Apa, Ryan Reynolds, and David Beckham were thrown into a sexy blender, they could not be as sexy as one Thor. (Actually, even attempting that would probably be horrifying. Please disregard.)

Still, I contend Chris Hemsworth achieved peak sexiness not as Marvel's hammer-wielding snack, but instead as Curt Vaughan, an all-American college student destined to be sacrificed in a terrifying ritual. Hemsworth's role in the iconic horror comedy The Cabin in the Woods (2012) is everything I demand in a leading man and more.

While I struggle to fathom that you, dear reader, are not fervently nodding your head in agreement with me, I will gladly lay out for you ten reasons Curt Vaughan is Hemsworth's most swoon-worthy role.

Spoilers for The Cabin in the Woods (which came out more than 6 years ago and you should definitely have already seen) lie ahead.

1. He is the epitome of the charming boyfriend. Thor gives you plenty of style, but Curt is both style and substance. He is boyfriend material through and through.

Hemsworth rolls into the film's first scene for some seriously delightful dialogue with his girlfriend, Jules (Anna Hutchison). He sees Jules holding a textbook and immediately begins questioning, "Who gave you these? Who taught you about these?"

She jokes, "I learned it from you, okay?! I learned it from watching you!"

Their undeniable chemistry is so endearing I want to take them both home to meet my mom. Unfortunately, their respective agents have yet to return my calls.

2. He's a well-educated, upstanding sociology major. In that same scene, Curt dives into giving another character, Dana (Kristen Connolly), suggestions on her sociology classes. What a kind, thoughtful, collegiate thing to do.

In referencing books he's clearly read, Curt gave me, a then-junior in high school, the revelation that I too could date a man who read books. Illiteracy is a deal breaker, ladies.

3. Curt is his friend group's glue. Every squad needs that one person who makes your hang outs happen. For most of my time in college, our group's glue was a guy named Ted who believed there was no event too big or too small for homemade guacamole.

Curt provides his cousin's cabin for the group to stay in. He borrows his Dad's RV so everyone can ride there together. This benevolent, beautiful creature even tries to get Dana a boyfriend. Sure, all that providing leads to every single one of his friend's untimely deaths, but it's the thought that counts!

4. Hemsworth's American accent is totally passable. True love is founded on celebrating a person's positives and learning to embrace their flaws. Hemsworth's Australian accent makes cameos throughout the film, but it only serves to remind us of the road he has traveled and the man he has become.

5. Curt's quippy one-liners cannot be challenged. While throwing a football someone fails to catch: "Think fast! Oh, faster than that."

While carrying his girlfriend's excessive luggage: "It's a weekend, not an evacuation."

While rough housing in a lake: "Don't kill the gorgeous man, we're endangered!"

I rest my case.

6. There's a certain air of mystery to Curt. Maybe his beautiful eyes and iridescent skin were just like that. Maybe it's Maybelline. It is tough to put your finger on it, but there's just something about this stunning human that begs you to ask what lies beneath.

One Redditor(opens in a new tab) dug so deep he thought Curt was a villain in on the movie's big twist. Obviously, Curt could never do such a thing. But this speaks to the many layers of Hemsworth's undeniably Oscar-worthy performance.

7. He's an outdoorsy romantic. Nothing says erotic novel quite like spontaneous sex is a moonlit meadow. Curt's wooing of Jules is positively magical.

Well, right up until her head gets sawed off by a few members of a Zombie Redneck Torture Family. You win some, you lose some.

8. He is (typically) the opposite of an alpha-male jerk. Thor is known for his arrogance. Curt has an excuse for his. After hurling a rather aggressive insult at Dana in a round of truth or dare, Curt begins to seem like kind of an asshole.

Luckily, one character points out that Curt is never like this! And, later, we discover the puppet masters behind the group's whole ordeal have been pumping Curt full of excess testosterone in an effort to make him easier to destroy. But, he pushes through and fights to save his friends anyway. Ugh, talk about dinner and a show.

9. His revenge speech is incredible. In a last ditch attempt to outrun the zombies chasing them (and the people sending the zombies to chase them), Curt tries to jump a gigantic chasm on his rockin' motorcycle.

Before jumping, he proclaims, "Look, you guys stay in the rambler. I'll get help. If I wipe out, I'll fucking limp for help. But, I'm coming back here. I'm coming back with cops, and choppers, and large fucking guns, and those things are going to pay. For Jules."

And if that wasn't enough, when he is told to not "hold back," he sexily retorts, "I never do." Bravo, sir. Bravo.

10. And he rides the hell out of that motorcycle. Sure, he ultimately smashes into an invisible, electric barrier and falls to his demise. But what's a quick plummet to your death between friends, really? He gave it everything and that is all we can ask.

If you aren't completely sold on Hemsworth's The Cabin in the Woods hotness, you have no choice but to give it another watch(opens in a new tab). Let me know when we're all on the same page.